thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize