I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize