I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
