Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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