Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
