So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
