I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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