i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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