Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
