Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
did you just send me my own nude
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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