he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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