I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
