bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
