thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
