Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
