HIV tests are more positive than that guy
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
