I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
