I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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