You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
