in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
