if i died would you start the facebook group?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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