her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
