I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
