Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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