I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
