How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
