All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
