Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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