That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
