Cold hands, warm shart.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
