So drunk its hurt
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
