is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
