haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
it was like eating out sand paper
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
