I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
