You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
meet me or not, i'm out of control
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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