If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
