apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
