i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
