you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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