my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
