I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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