Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
