Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
