Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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