he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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