can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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