11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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