Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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