She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
