sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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