I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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