I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
