My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
