my mouth tastes like poor choices
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
