Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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