so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
