he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just gargled with NyQuil
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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