Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
