So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
That accounts for only three of the penises
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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