The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
