I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
