I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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