What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
