see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
