Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
